WEBVTT

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JustLearn. Separate the event from the story you tell about it. Before

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reacting to an uncomfortable moment, distinguish what happened from the meaning you

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supplied. This edition uses synthetic narration.

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Write the event in a smaller sentence. A friend cancels an arrangement.

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Within minutes, the event becomes ‘I am always the person people let

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down.’ That larger sentence may connect with real past experiences, but it

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is no longer a description of this one cancellation. Begin with what

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you know: the plan was cancelled, the reason given, the notice available

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and whether another time was proposed. This does not require you to

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pretend the disappointment is trivial. It helps you avoid making a decision

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about the whole friendship on the basis of details you have not

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yet established.

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Give your interpretation a label. Try saying, ‘The story I am telling

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myself is that this did not matter to you.’ The phrase does

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not make the interpretation false. It identifies it as something to examine

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rather than a fact everyone must accept. Ask what else could fit

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the available information. There may be an explanation you had not considered,

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or a repeated pattern that deserves discussion. Be equally careful about automatically

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excusing everything. Clear thinking allows you to investigate a concern without deciding

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in advance that either your first interpretation or the most generous alternative

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must be correct.

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Choose a response proportionate to the evidence. A single cancellation may call

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for a new arrangement. A recurring pattern may call for a conversation

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about reliability. A response that repeatedly dismisses your experience may tell you

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something further. These are different situations, and they deserve different decisions. For

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practice, divide a page into three columns: what happened, what I think

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it means, and what I still need to know. Then write one

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question that could fill a genuine gap. You are not putting your

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feelings on trial. You are giving them a clearer account of the

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situation so that the action you take addresses the problem that actually

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exists.

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A question to take with you. Which part of my account could

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another person observe, and which part is my interpretation? First published by

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JustLearn. Read the original article at justlearn dot online.